The Beginning of Goodbye

Oh, how I love this place.

I really don't know how to explain what Guiyang has become for me.  "Home" doesn't quite do it justice, although it definitely has become that.  My 2 year journey here definitely has been the most phenomenal journey of my lifetime—overcoming shortcomings, stretching my cultural and personal boundaries to a point I couldn't have imagined possible, forcing myself to undo and retrain almost my every train of thought in order to adjust and fit in amongst a culture so different from our own, prevailing over language obstacles, political differences and misunderstandings, quarantines, broken bones, illnesses, isolation… And then reaching this point: a point of profound love, respect, admiration, empathy and integration for the people, place, customs, culture, and (don't judge) even the government.  China and the people here have stretched my heart and extended her boundaries.

Where to begin since the last blog? It seems like a lifetime ago.

Well, an easy starter is the Welfare Home.  The project there has truly become the breath that sustains me.  I honestly cannot recognize the place now from the place I went to for the first time last fall.  It's becoming such a happier place; the residents are reaching a great point in rehabilitation, physically and spiritually.  Where they used to push, shove, and fight each other for attention, they now, when my 9 full-time "Seeds" volunteers (the name we have given to our project) and I walk into the ward, the residents, happy to see us for us, not for another body of attention, greet us like family.  They now know there is no need to fight each other for attention, as they know that we will disperse it to all of them, and, more importantly, that, when we leave, it's not permanent; we're coming back. 

The mural project, thankfully, fell through.  I say thankfully because the money ended up being spent on much more meaningful things for them and the residents are still going to get an improved living situation.  Right before purchasing the paint, the leader approached me and told me to wait on buying paint because he just received notice that the government was going to rebuild the building in the coming months (sounds like it will be in November, 09) and it would be a waste of money.  At first, I was devastated and confused, but after finding out that this was a legit plan, decided to use the money to continue our initial goal: improve their quality of life, but do so in a more sustainable manner.

So what did we buy? Well, a better question is: what didn't we? Tables and chairs for them to eat at, work and rest on; water paint, paper, and giant, colored frames (we had them each paint a picture, then put their photo in the center, and had the combined picture with photo framed so they could decorate their walls now AND take it to their new home); giant exercise balls and hula hoops; thousands of beautiful beads and string (they make, wear, and give away phenomenal jewelry—I sport quite a bit of it); a keyboard and harmonica; kits for them to make curtains for their windows (beautiful, colored, beaded curtains that send colored rays of light around their room); flower pots and seeds (they take care of their flowers independently on a daily basis and, of the 20 pots, 15 have buds coming in already); plush dolls with hair for them to touch, play with and love; padding for their cement floor so they can sit on the ground (which they helped us construct); puzzles, building blocks, chalk (for their cement walls… they still got a mural after all); CD player and CDs…

And, just as if there wasn't enough to be excited for by this project, the community is also taking notice.  A few weeks ago, a Chinese group of individuals donated 3 ping pong tables (one for each floor) and ping pong supplies.  Many are starting to see the changes brought on in this place and offering to give money, donations, time…

For my Oral English final exam this semester, my students, all 165, had to volunteer somewhere in the community (as a promotion of service-learning) and then structure their final speech around their experience.  I gave them ideas for volunteering: feed the homeless, visit the orphanage, visit the Welfare Home, donate blood, do a neighborhood cleanup, tutor in primary schools, etc.  At first, quite a few were discouraged and felt like it was "too difficult." After they began volunteering, however, there was a totally different attitude in my classes and their responses to what they experienced, saw, and felt was, for me, the grand finis my teaching experience here.  Students went above and beyond, volunteering in places I never would have known existed, let alone recommended.  What's more is that, rather than just volunteer and do their speech, many of them were inspired to continue with their volunteering or to start a project based on what they saw in their experience.  Perhaps one of the neatest things for me was that, while I was at the Welfare Home one day with Seeds, about 30 of my students walked into the ward where we volunteer.  At first, we were all completely surprised to see each other (they didn't know I, or their classmates—other Seeds volunteers—go there; I try not to bring too much attention to the project in fear of overstepping boundaries).  At first, we stared at each other dumbfounded.  At the time, I was on the floor with one of the residents who cannot walk, helping her lay the floor padding down.  We had been laughing and tickling each other (not getting a lot of work done, obviously…haha) at the exact moment my students opened the door.  Finally, after awkward stares and disbelief passed, my students just warmly came over and acted like it was no big deal and asked "hey Fei Fei, is there anything we can help with?" and they all joined in on helping the residents make jewelry, draw on the walls, and did such a great job with the residents.  Later, Shelley, one of the students who walked in unexpectedly, said in her speech:

"On May 15^th, most of my classmates visited the Second Institute of Welfare in Longdongbao.  Our purpose (was) to be volunteers.  I can remember it took 45 minutes to get there on foot.  At first, we visited the mentally handicapped children.  I can't imagine there so many people are in the small institute.  Those people have physical, mental, or other disabilities.  To be honest, I was very afraid of them. Maybe I (wasn't) ready to communicate with them or (didn't) know what I should do.  Soon, something happened.  I found a familiar person.  She was smiling and holding a handicapped person in her arms and communicating with her unfluently." (psh, details, details…) "That scene shocked me.  At that moment, of all the people I know, perhaps none deserves my respect more than her, my oral English teacher, Miss Fei Fei. At that time, I can't use any words to describe my feelings.  Immediately something appeared in my mind. So, I smiled to the children around me."   Shelley then continued to talk about the moving experience she had, and started crying during her speech.  If nothing else, it just totally confirmed to me (what I already should have known to be true) that God had a major hand in all of this.  I remember spending months –about 8, to be exact—wondering why he sent me to China and debating and battling with the decision to leave and get out of here as early as possible.  I'm so grateful—SO grateful—that he kept me here.

This semester has also given me such amazing opportunities to build some of the most influential, meaningful relationships with students.  One thing that I never really reflected on before but is becoming more and more of a reality as I look to the different lifestyle I'm (soon) going to live in America, is that here there is no distinction between social/personal life and work.  I can think of very few professions in the states that could compare to this (priest, maybe), but here, in addition to the fact that "confidentiality" or "personal space" don't really have a large role in Chinese culture (especially for the foreigner who cannot, no matter what I try, go unnoticed), I live at work, I'm surrounded by students from the time I open my apartment door in the morning until I close my apartment door at night.  If students or teachers or school officials have a question on want to see me, they just knock on my door or find me at my favorite places on campus.  There's no "faking sick" here, because if I leave, I'm spotted and fretted over.  Every action I make is noted; my habits all taken into consideration, my moods monitored.  If I gain or lose a pound, my students notice and (caringly, this isn't taboo here, it's really because they care) comment.  Love life? Well, I don't have one, but if I had one, it would be noticed, too.  When I have friends from out of town stay with me, I get asked about it (again, because they care) by students who spot us on campus "Dear Fei Fei, I saw you had a foreign friend stay at your apartment last night. Is he your boyfriend?"  Fortunately, in China it is absolutely not taboo for students and teachers to be friends and to spend time with each other outside of class.  In fact, it's encouraged.  I knew this from the time I was a Peace Corps Trainee 2 years ago in Chengdu, but it took a long time to undo the taboo in my mind.  While I would occasionally spend time with students, inviting groups over to cook or go out for dinner, it wasn't really until this semester, and, really, the formation of Seeds, that I embraced the teacher-student-friend culture and our similarity in age (they're all between the ages of 19-25) and it's been so, soooo amazing.

My Seeds girls (Minnie, Jelly, Jessica, Ivy, Betty, Cassie, Larrisa-- all volunteers are female since most of the residents we work with are female; I didn't want to risk anything by bringing in males) and I have, undoubtedly, become sisters.  We were always close, even when I had the teacher/student barrier, which is why I asked them to join, but once we started spending more time together planning, preparing, scheduling and really working on our Welfare Home project, walls started coming down and I just let them and Chinese culture take the lead.  And I'm so grateful.  Honestly, this semester has been the most instrumental, monumental time of my life, and it really is almost all owed to Seeds and the Welfare Home.

Friday night, after an amazing day of volunteering, the girls asked if they could make dinner at my place.  We all were in high spirits, went to the market and bought all the supplies needed, then all 8 of us came back and cooked, ate a great feast, and then we came up with the idea of a slumber party and night swimming endeavor.  So, at 9:30 at night, we ventured over to the Police Academy (a police training school next door) and called around until the manager of their pool answered.  After some persuasion, he came and let us is and we spent the night swimming (only 3 of us knew how so it was more spent teaching the others how).  We then went and got Chinese street barbecue (yum), an, cold, wet, and tired, ventured back to my apartment for a slumber party.  It was such an amazingly memorable night!

Tomorrow, Tuesday, I'm going with Seeds girls and Trudy, our other foreign volunteer (who has been in Guiyang for more than 20 years doing this kind of work).  Trudy is going to take over Seeds when I'm gone (my deciding factor in allowing me to go), so we're going to take the volunteers for pizza and talk about logistics of transferring over the responsibilities.  I'm so sad at the thought of leaving this project, but cannot imagine a better person to take over than Trudy, who has been my guiding force and mentor throughout these 2 years. Under her, my prayer was answered – our project has the potential to truly be sustainable and remarkable, as she is committed to living here and dedicating the rest of her life to this.  I couldn't ask for a greater blessing!

And I'm spending time making lasting memories with other students, too.  Last weekend, I went with a group of students (4 boys and 4 girls) on a bike ride across town to pick wax berries.  It ended up being one of the most fun days I've ever had.  We had no idea how far the berry location was, and, 6 hours later, arrived at our destination place.  We really had a great time, riding through the mountains, pushing each other along, laughing at each other since none of us were in good shape, and then celebrating by eating lots and lots of wax berries (yum!).  We then, spirits still high, rode back another 5 hours. In the 11 hour trip, lots of great memories and conversations took place.  We commenced the night by collapsing in the grass when we got onto campus and then enjoying a huge celebratory (at 10:30 pm) dinner outside.

On Saturday, Kim and Jonny had a prom for their students, which I assisted in "chaperoning," which was an amazing event! I really wish I would have done that for my students; their kids, all university majors, had never been to a school dance before and just loved it.  They had balloon archways, streamers, we did the Hokey Pokey, Macarena, Chicken Dance… Kim's students made corsages and boutonnieres and sold them at the dance.  All the proceeds then went to my Welfare Home project, which was such an amazing gift; with this money, and a few other donations we hope to collect soon, we're going to take one of the residents (who is about 30 and so intelligent, she just is in a wheelchair and grew up at the wrong time to have a physical disability) to get her eyes checked and get her glasses.  She can read, and does a great job of teaching the other girls when we're not around (really, the jewelry they make is phenomenal!) so we want to get her glasses and books on crafts so that she can continue to help the others.  Such an exciting gift!

Next Monday and Tuesday, Dave's school is putting on an English drama, Hamlet.  From helping them get their drama department started throughout these past 2 years, I know a lot of the cast and really want to support their and Dave's performance (what a challenge! Hamlet! As ESL students!) so I'm trying to get my university to lend me a car/driver for a night and take a group of my students to go see it.  I remember when Dave first told me they were going to perform this in late June, I felt like it was a lifetime away.  Now, with the realization that it's just next week, time is starting to hit home.

And so here I am, wrapping up final exams, planning class parties and goodbye dinners and gifts, sorting through my apartment, giving things away, preparing to mail things home… faced with just 1 month left in Guiyang.  I remember when I first arrived in China, after 1 month of training in Chengdu, feeling like I conquered the world for making it through an entire full month; an eternity. Now, with only a full month left, I feel my heart sinking and time slipping away all too quickly.  It's such a bittersweet feeling; on the one hand, I'm eager and looking forward to seeing family and friends and returning to old customs and habits and comforts. On the other, I feel like I'm suffocating in this lack of time left to hold onto the family and friends and customs and habits and comforts I've acquired here.  Saying goodbye to China, my students, my family and friends here, the Welfare Home and its dear, dear residents, my apartment, neighbors, familiar shopkeepers, restaurant staff, market vendors, etc. is definitely the next biggest challenge I've had to face in my life.