Monkey Genitalia

Today, waking up in my bamboo hut on stilts, I professed to my travel buddies that I was giving up on men. And then a monkey stuck his penis in my mouth.

 

I'm totally serious.

 

Let me elaborate. It is known from previous blogs that I am currently on vacation.  While there is much to share and this has been an outstanding trip with a plethora of good stories, this blog is going to just be about one. About my monkey experience this afternoon.  The rest of my travel details will come at a later date, but this one, I must admit, needs to be shared and sympathized with as soon as possible.

 

We are currently in the jungle region of southern Yunnan (Xishuangbanna) and decided today that we were going to hike the jungle and search for elephants.  After spending the day in good company, good weather, following a great number of elephant droppings and good ol' American instinct, we came upon a rest area for hikers.  They had a cage of pet (?) monkeys which, lets be honest, anyone would have run to.  The most exciting thing about this, however, was that on top of the cage were two wild monkeys. They were beautiful monkeys (black and white, I'm not sure what kind but any google enthusiasts could look them up) and of course I wanted to get as close as possible.  Because this is China and people are everywhere, these monkeys were not afraid of me.  Instead, one reached out his paw and grabbed my extended hand. It was a beautiful moment, we looked each other in the eyes, and then he climbed on top of me. This is AMAZING! I thought, while he climbed atop my head and I looked around to the beautiful jungle trees around me. I am in Asia, in a jungle, with a monkey on my head! The Chinese workers of this particular rest area yelled out in protest, but I shooed the workers warnings away "No, it's okay. I like him!" In an instant, this monkey's comrade also boarded my body and swung around my shoulders.  My friends and the Chinese workers stood and watched in astonishment and disgust at my thoughtlessness, surely worried about the fleas I was bound to catch. But who cares about fleas, I thought, I have wild monkeys climbing on me! That's when it happened.  One of the monkeys, a male (as the presumption can go), started swinging around my face.  I made a "oh gross" noise with my mouth...and in that moment...the monkeys penis was thrust inside.

 

Yes, mother, father, family and friends, I had a monkey's penis inserted into my mouth today.  It's been traumatizing.  I have emailed my doctor for the next step, but in the meantime I'm taking to spitting and frequent tooth brushing.  While I think I can survive and get past this violation, I just want you to know that your support and heartfelt American packages would be appreciated at this time.

 

God bless.