Anxieties On Leaving

Less than 2 weeks until departure.

It’s a weird feeling, knowing I still have what feels like a lengthy stretch of time before I enter my new life, yet such a blink of an eye to say goodbye to the one I’m leaving behind. As of late I tend to experience familiar things from heightened senses, nostalgia overcomes me and suddenly the bridal wreath around our house is more stunning than it’s ever been; the smell of food cooking at grandma’s house makes my stomach growl in a new, irrepressible way; while sitting outside our camper the breeze tickles my skin just that much more; I (had I the ability to draw) could etch inconspicuous aspects of friends’ and families’ faces that I never before noticed; the sound of Mom getting ready in the morning (with her god-awful music playing softly) brings tears to my eyes while laying alone in bed. It’s as though knowing that I am leaving has made me so much more internally sentimental. On the outside, however, I find myself snippy and bitter.

I wish it wasn’t happening. Everyone tells me I did the same thing before South Africa; I get angry over small things, find myself making snide remarks, making excuses to go home early, picking fights with my family . . . all the while feeling lonely, sad that I’m leaving, nostalgic for what I know I am giving up, and wanting to embrace, kiss, and pour my regret for leaving into every person I have to say goodbye to. One moment I’m thinking “I love this person, how can I leave him/her?!” and in less than a minute I let a snippy comment slip that I don’t mean. I instantly feel sorry I said it, but rather than apologize I let the comment linger. And here I am now, writing about it, aware that I’m doing it, yet it continues. It’s as though, in some torturous, hurtful manner, this is my way of letting go. Or of letting others let go of me. Regardless, with only a few days left in the states I don’t want people remembering me in this way and I wish I could let go of this injurious, irritable attitude.

And I miss my dog. And I am scared about what’s ahead (sooo scared about what’s ahead).

I said goodbye to Cheri on Monday. That was really hard. Especially when she started crying and I realized what a reality this is. I don’t want to say goodbye to anyone else. . . Here I am complaining and pointing out my anxieties instead of my blessings . . . I know this is an honor and that I am very lucky (and yes, very excited!) to be given the opportunity to go. I'm sorry this is a downer of a post.

On a lighter note, we got a puppy! Lexie Lou: half Scottie Dog and half Cocker Spaniel. She is lovely and has been a delight! And this past week I went on a road trip to Iowa City with Mary and Tanisha to give Nish a campus visit. Then, the next day, I went with the family to River of Lakes for a beautifully relaxing vacation (we just got back today). On Saturday, I’m going with Jime and Susan to visit Tom, Lisa, and some other Loras Amigos in Chicago, which should be great fun, followed by Jana’s bridal shower in the Quad Cities. Soon after I’ll start thinking about packing and drilling Mandarin into my system. So far (as of 2 days ago) I can count to 10, greet people, ask someone’s name, introduce myself, and I’m starting to learn a few food words. It keeps me busy and keeps my excitement levels up. :) I really am, in spite of said anxieties, happy that I'm taking this journey. :)